reflection

i knew i was different. i knew i didn't belong. this was just a hideout. for a little while. so i resisted the idea that my body and my mind were responding to the surroundings. i hated the idea that i was like everyone else after all, a creature of habit. and spending time with the people in maroon robes was going to outwardly at least make me become like them.

like how i gravitated to the dining hall just like everyone else, turned to the meditation hall when it was time to sit down and empty the mind, walked into the daily tasks hut just like all the newcomers who were provided with 'things to do' to keep them occupied, sat down under the trees when the sun got too hot and fanned myself with the robes just like everyone else.

a part of me pretended that i was acting, just to fit in. a part of me knew that i was slowly fitting in. i had many questions the first few weeks that i was there. i found the questions slowly fading away when we sat down for the evening prayers. i did not even fight to sit down in front, hoping to catch the master's eye. a couple of times i even noticed the teva monk look questioningly at me when i chose to sit away from the front. but i knew asking questions was a novice's way to receive answers.

the answers were within. maybe i knew deep down. i did not ask to be hounded. and running away was an instinct even animals give in to when they know that they cannot stand up and confront, stay right where they are, in a corner, and fight, so once and for all the bullying is over and done with, once and for all no one lifts a finger, ever, at you for being the one responsible for people losing lives.

i stopped asking, 'why me?' because i saw how trivial the nature of the question was. and that evening the teva monk gave me the begging bowl.

apparently, i was ready to go out and beg for my food.